THE GREAT CELEBRITY INTERN HUNT OF 2008
Dear Reader,
Please file the following piece of information in the part of your brain used to store Entirely Useless Things: Ryan Adams has been interning at BlackBook Magazine as part of a magazine feature-slash-promotion for his upcoming album. This news made us ask one simple question for the thousandth time—when, exactly, is BlackBook going to go out of business?
It also made us think about which celebrity interns we’d like induct into our cozy lair, by force if necessary.
Short list:
—Philip Seymour Hoffman Why? Because he’s the best ever, that’s why. Have you seen Synecdoche, New York yet? (Speaking of: did you read our interview with Charlie Kaufman yet?) If good ol’ Phil wanted to intern for us, we’d give him the choicest assignments—no messenger duties or interview transcriptions for “The Hoff,” as we’d inevitably nickname him. After work we’d all go jogging together, and afterward probably eat a shit ton of Mexican food and have a few brews. (On Monday nights we’d go play hipster dodgeball, and he would own the fricken court.) The Hoff would tell us about life as a New York actor; we’d offer advice on getting ahead in print media; he’d eventually leave us, and we’d cry a little bit, but promise to write a killer recommendation letter in the future.
—Ryan Gosling We saw the dude dancing up a storm at a jungle-themed party last weekend in L.A.. He was holding a plastic bone and gyrating spastically, like he was being electrocuted over and over again. Also, he seemed to be trying to mack on fugly girls who were ignoring him. Injustice! Tragedy! Ryan, if you’re reading—we’re keeping an intern seat hot for you.
—Marnie Stern She’d bring us coffee in the mornings, from Starbucks, because we have no shame about loving Starbucks. Then, when the initial caffeine buzz had worn off, we’d have her stand in the corner and shred like she’s never shred before. In the afternoons we’d have her go get some more coffee. If she ever calls out sick we’d get Dan Deacon to fill in for her.
—John McCain Because very soon he’s not going to have much to do, and could probably use a stable work environment. We’d promise not to make fun of his Frankenstein arms or his unnerving way of laughing / smiling / moving / living; he, in turn, would promise to be the best fucking intern we’ve ever had.
—Steven Soderbergh After interviewing Steven for our upcoming print issue, we’ve come to one conclusion: he’s a superhuman android who has also cloned himself at least a dozen times in order to complete the 9,187 films he currently has in production. (We’re pretty sure we interviewed “the real Steven” for the piece; either that, or clone technology has gotten sick in recent years.) We’d be perfectly happy to take a Soderbergh facsimile as a photo and editorial intern, however. We’d be especially psyched if our version sported that burly, badass beard he grew while filming Che.
