07/11/08
Text: Nik Mercer
Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books of your childhood? Your own, distinct will got to select the path of the novel's hero or heroine every couple of pages, and what a thrill it was!
In many ways, Dan Nelson's All Known Metal Bands serves a similar, albeit more adult, function. The McSweeney's publication does precisely what it says in the title: it alphabetically lists out [supposedly] every single metal group that's ever existed. Read aloud or in your head, the volume function as a grownup's Choose Your Own Adventure book in that you can select the manner in which you digest the content within the two covers and create your own journey through its pages.
We started on the "Epitafiya" page, bounced down to "Error7," then "Escalator Anger," "Leaves' Hope," "Nemedian," "Neolithic," and finally "Pure Fucking" before ending our first session with the bizarre compendium. Images of neanderthals, bloodthirsty apes with clubs, and demented bearded Nordic rockers popped into our mind and linger still. Perhaps dark military ships, rotting skulls, and hairy transvestites will fuel our imagination next time we crack All Known Metal Bands open. That's the whole fun of this release... it serves little purpose on its own, and while the black pages upon which every metal band's name is inscribed in silver ink are especially aesthetically appealing, we've no doubt that the tome will serve as our favorite coffee table book, scary story inspirer, and esteemed party trick all at once. Now if we only had the source from which Nelson derived all his information. Even the most thorough of Wikipedia and MySpace searches wouldn't yield this plethora of miscellany.
The book lists approximately 50,000 names but seems infinite in its informative and entertainment qualities alike. Check out the entire Q section right here and purchase the thing at the McSweeney's store once you're thoroughly hooked. As noted in the backward, "Read it—and weep."
